Back to my Love Life

Monday July 2, 2001

Dear Nina,

Back to my love life…

It seems that the temporariness of our arrangement has begun to take root with Susi. There is good bye in the air. I hate it. This stuff is starting to piss me off, actually. Now I begin to see. I am not so thick that I don’t know that people don’t want to fall all the way for someone who is outta here, on his bike, hitting that long lonesome road on a specific date. I don’t much like being that ramblin’ man except in a greater cinematic biographic sense. I suppose that since I have enrolled myself in this ancient game I must play by the rules. I must become thick skinned and a bit stupid in the process. C’est la guerre. All of these damn stupid sex farces have a grain of truth I now realize, otherwise they wouldn’t be so popular. Cosi fan tutti. Don Giovanni will ultimately end up in hell if he doesn’t change his ways.

On another, even more morose note, I have a doctor’s appointment for Wednesday. I have decided to take a certain amount of advantage of the fact that I am insured by the good good german health system and I am going to the eye doctor for new glasses, the fucking gott verdammte dentist, and a GP for a thorough check up, including blood tests and the dreaded CHEST X RAY!!! I need not tell you what I fear, he says taking another long suck on his fag. To be needlessly honest, I have been living my life assuming that it might just end soon, not a bad approach to take anyway since that is indeed the case for everyone. For this reason I have not made “long range plans” beyond the next gig and the next girl. Ramblin’ but not gamblin’. I have become Mike. I have even surpassed Mike who is cheering me on from the sidelines with all the other married men.

And somehow this roller coaster does not seem out of control. Somehow it is thoroughly on track, even though the passenger knows not whither it goest.

I couldn’t lead a more theatrical life if I actually planned it. Perhaps some unconscious part of me is planning all of these ever so cinematic moments, intense romance on bridges at sunset, sex on ping pong tables in parks at sunrise. sudden love children. The ever so comical moments when two or three of my women show up at the same place at the same time.

We had one such that I have told no one else about at the premiere of this piece. Susanne 1 (of furtive fumblings in back of the tour bus) showed up (I invited her) and as luck would have it she sat right next to Susanne 2, the current flame. I did the normal man thing and hid out in the dressing room until Susanne 1 was gone. There was the extra 21st century spice of SMS messages from both of them coming through to me backstage before and after the show. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

Am I at least amusing, or are you thoroughly disgusted? Do you recognize dear old Blaine behind this slimy greaseball exterior? Say you do.

I am off since my friend Chris, a fellow American roped into a Greek marriage by fetal means is visiting me here. He is staying in “my apartment” while I spend my nights with Susi. I don’t know yet how to balance male friends and girl friends. I must fight the urge to hide under Susi’s skirt, as if she wore one.